I walked in the snow with dissapointment in my chest. I had lied again and told my struggling roomate what she wanted to hear.

Do you think im a good person? She had asked, each of us at our room doors staring at the other, pretending to see deeper than the skin we wore. I had been living with this woman for a year and I had gotten used to seeing the hope in the creases of her face, the hope that she was more than pride and selfish desires on a cruel toungue. The truth is that she wasnt, she had no manners and no love in her heart for anyone but herself. Yet, this truth was still learning to speak, and when she asked me if she was a good person a lie was already whispering syllables in my ear. I told her yes. I let her smile and thank me for telling her what she wanted to hear and not what she knew she was. I nodded and let her go back to her room as I watched her door with a tightness in my chest. I couldnt tell if she was the coward for running away, or if I was for letting her.

Do you want to be here? The next day my friend asked me this as we sat at a busy cafe, I wanted a small dinner and she wanted pretty pictures. As she waited for my answer I took a look around and pondered her question. I could take the bright lights and the clanking of dishes if I had to but I was not required to do anything. With a swivel of my head I looked back at her and said no. A weight lifted off my shoulders as she began collecting her things. She told me that I shouldve said that earlier and I apologized.

When I got home that night I was tipsy and my roomate was on the couch. We said our greetings and I went towards my room. I was in the hall, hand on the knob when she called my name, I wanted to ignore her but I answered anyway. Thats when she told me that the truth which I refused to speak had found its way home.

“I,” She said, “Am not a good person.”

I stood outside my bedroom with my forehead on the door and silence in my throat as I let her talk.

“I appreciate you for trying to make me feel better though.”

I did not do it for her, the alcohol demanded she know that.

“Thats not why I didnt say anything. I just, didnt have a nice way to put it. I went with what was easier to say.”

She laughed and it echoed off the walls of our 600sq ft living room before she sighed in disbelief, asking how she got stuck with such a good person as a roomate. I told her that I was not a good person nor a bad one. That I was a liar, sparing others feelings more often than not as a consequence of me attempting to spare my own.

“I told you you were a good person because telling you otherwise made me uncomfortable. I didnt tell you that because I cared.”

She was quiet after that and I was feeling guilty from my confession, so I assumed the conversation was over. I opened my room door ready to get ready for bed when she suddenly spoke again, a vulnerability now gracing her voice.

“Do you want to change?”

I thought about it, there were so many different ways to say yes.

“Of course.” I responded. “I want to be better.”

“Good cause so do I. Lets grow together yea?”

I smiled, hope passing through me like a morning chill as I said my last words of the night.

“Yea, Lets grow together.”