Be of use. The world told me to be of use.

I dont need to be whole, I dont even need to be me, I just need to be of use. Its not fun, as you can guess, I feel, lonely. And im not sure how to get away from this job. I know how to serve and give assholes (a word I learned from the humans.) hot blood on a silver platter, but that is all. I dont know how to live. Its not in my programming, and ive asked around, when the assholes arent giving me orders, but noone can give me a solid solution. The prostitutes tell me to find something I love and never do things for others unless I want to. The issue is that I dont know what love is. Not to mention that this ‘wanting’ thing is new to me and im not sure how to replicate it.

If anything I thought the guards could be a bit more specific so I asked them next.

The one watching the cameras told me that people tend to want things that bring them pleasure or happiness and that wants are something innate. You feel it before you understand it. I asked him if that was why the woman were always around, because they brought them pleasure, he laughed and said yes.

I moved on and asked the customers last. Many of them said they were here gambling their lives away because it did indeed bring them pleasure but based on what I had learned, I figured out that one of them seemed, unsatisfied.

“I do it for the pleasure but I dont want to. Gambling is ruining my life.”

“Then why dont you stop?” I asked.

The middle aged man shook his head. He looked about 50 but my analysis of his face and DNA told me he was only in his late 30’s. I didnt understand it. How has wanting something and recieving it caused him this much stress. I thought pleasure was a good thing.

“Sometimes we want things we shouldnt have.” He explained. “A toxic ex, a shot of liquor to drown out our sorrows, or solitude when we’re hurt, but all those things are not good for us in the long run. If you keep going back to the toxic ex you used to love, if you keep drinking away your pain, or if you keep secluding yourself from everyone who gives a shit about you, then eventually you will die inside. And it will all be your fault because you couldnt let go. All pain is born from someone asking for more. More time, more shots, more solitude, and yet every day people still chase these values. Too much of a good thing is a bad thing, im sure youve heard that before, and it means just as much vice versa. Too much of a bad thing is a good thing. Before you die inside, solitude cradles you, the alcohol makes you feel on top of the world, and your ex has those moments of kindness that make you want to stay. Every bad thing was good first, and thats why its so hard to not want it. But wanting it wont save you.”

I looked at him with a admiration that I wished my robotic eyes could convey. Then I sighed, well as much as my mechanisms would allow.

“Feelings are complicated.” I said.

He smiled and handed me a beer. I couldnt drink it or else I would malfunction and possibly lose all of my data, but still, I appreciated the thought and thanked him.

“They are, but once you get a hand on it, espcially that wanting thing, its well worth it.”

“How do I do that though? How do I want correctly?”

He finished the last of his drink and slide it to me. I caught and disposed of it per my duties as he told me he didnt know.

“Its a guessing game.” He yawned, “The biggest gamble of all.”