I have known my mothers number since i was in 1st grade. I repeated it to myself when other comforts alluded me. I practiced the syllables of the numbers, i drew the digits in my journals.

She said it was in case i needed her, as if there was ever a time when i didnt, but thats not why i tried to remember it. I thought that knowing this small bit about a part of her that had nothing to do with me would help me get to know her. Like how she got so good at teaching our dog tricks and fighting and singing.

But even after learning so much, i could never define my mother. However i think the more she taught me, the more i saw and understood her. The her that got a degree in criminal justice and grew up a straight A student. The her that won fights she never wanted to be in, and the her that fell in love. And sometimes, when i think of everything that she is, i wonder what her life wouldve been like without me. If all of her happiness was tallied up, what timeline would win her favor? I know it took a lot to get me to where i am and truthfully if she had the option to do things differently, i wouldnt take it personal if she chose to. My mother was someone even before she was my mother and as much as I write about love and loss, none of my stories compare to the loss of personhood that a parent goes through as they sacrifice a hundred times over for their kids.

Its necassary, i know, but although my mom is the light at the end of my tunnel, i wish she didnt have to be. She should have the freedom to leave and be more than a parent, she deserves that, but i know she owes me. She accepted the struggle when i came to be and i wish she hadnt because I love my mother. And she deserves a fuller life without carrying me around as her responsibilty.

So, she can take the deal. She can pick the timeline where i was never born and i will fade into absurdity. But perhaps when the nights get lonely or the times get hard, ill visit. As a shadow or a scent. Ill tell her everything will be alright, and as my final act of love, i will call her by her name.