I saw myself in a dream. 10 years younger, 100 times shorter. She carried a blanket and stared at me, I didn’t know what to say, I was scared that I was a disappointment. This wasn’t the life we dreamed up and when she took a step towards me I took a step back and with a knot in my stomach I told her that I’d leave, that she didn’t need to talk to me.

“But I want to.” She said.

I felt my bottom lip quiver then I fell on all fours and I cried. I’m sorry, I said, over and over. I ranted about how I fucked up, about how I was trying my best but the world is not kind to woman and it’s hard to fight when I am so goddamn exhausted. She just watched for what felt like forever, then she came up to me and she sat down in the white void to get on my level.

“How’s mom.” She asked.

“Happier.”

“How are you.”

“I’m barely staying afloat.” I sniffled as I sat back onto my thighs and finally looked at her. She was surrounded by her hair, Afro curls down her shoulders, and she had no emotion on her face. I couldn’t look away though, I missed her too much.

“But are you happy?”

I Looked up to what I wished was a sky but only a bright glow looked back. I thought of my degree and my friends, my room and hobbies. I thought of everything I had did in the past 2 years since I moved away from home.

“I,” I said, bringing my gaze back down to hers, “I think so.”

she smiled and I wanted to hug her and repeat how sorry I was, but she didn’t even give me a chance.

“If you’re happy then why are you apologizing? You’re still in school and I don’t expect you to get us everything we’ve ever wanted yet.”

That was true but I still felt like I could’ve done better. She told me that doing my best was just as valuable.

“Just live ok, don’t worry bout all the little stuff.” She took off her blanket and leaned forward to wrap it around me.

“I’m proud of who we are becoming.” She said.

I teared up again and asked her when she got so wise, she shrugged as she sat back down.

“Maybe it’s the books.”

“Maybe. Science says intelligence ages you.”

She smiled sadly at me and I knew instantly what she was thinking.

“Yea.” She said. “A lot of things aged us. I owe you apology for that by the way, for not being strong enough.”

I shook my head. “You were as strong as a child could be.”

She didn’t say anything and just nodded at me. “It’s almost time.” She said. I agreed. The light around us was dimming.

“I’m still sorry though. I know you wanted better.”

“I wanted different.” She said casually, the lights flickering around us. “But this is ok too.”

I sighed in relief and felt my vision blur as I reached out to her. She met me half way and smiled again. I could barely see her now, it was getting too dark.

“Ok. I can live with that.” I said, holding onto her.

“You better,” she said, “cause it’s time to go back.”

I woke up with tears in my eyes. I was confused as I wiped my face, and then I remembered. In another 10 years I will see her again, and in another 10 years when I am 30, I hope there won’t be anything else for me to apologize for.