A shadow stood by my car, I saw it from the balcony of my studio apartment and watched the shape of a woman sway like she was made of stardust. As I stared at her she beckoned me back, pointing at my apartment door with a hand made of smoke, but I came downstairs anyway, and as I opened the front gate of the old building I froze. She was terrifying, but I was brave. I continued on, watching her point behind me, demanding I turn back, I said no and asked her to move. She stepped away from my car door, strengthened from my refusal, and her new power helped her grow a voice.

“He will never accept it”

“He has to.”

I got in the car and drove to my nearest grocery store, it didn’t take long but she was still there before me, haunting every aisle. I ignored her and scanned the flowers in front of me. With shaky hands I reached for the red and orange bouquet and smelled them. When i looked up again she was outside pointing to the car, her voice in my head.

“Nothing will be good enough.”

“You don’t know that.”

I left again and let her follow. The route to his house was muscle memory as i made my way across town and it wasn’t until i parked that she made another appearance. I flinched when i turned my head and saw her so close to my window, no details in her form except the outline of a bust and long flowing hair. No eyes or mouth, no ears or clothes, she was the shadow of a person, but even without a face to contort i could still feel her looking at me, strong and loud.

“LEAVE.”

We stared at each other for a long while and i felt my voice steady as i answered her.

“No.”

Her energy got angry but i unbuckled my seat belt and opened the door anyway. She dissipated into a cloud of smoke as the metal hit her and while i grabbed the flowers she reformed on his doorstep.

“I am not one to be played with.”

I closed the car door quietly and began the longest walk of my life.

“I don’t doubt it. But i have to try.”

“Why? You know Its going to hurt don’t you?”

“Yes.”

“And If he rejects you, there’s nothing you can do. You do realize that its his decision?”

I didn’t want to say it but i did.

“Yes.”

I got to the doorbell and wiped my sweaty palms on my pants. I hoped he wouldn’t shoo me away. The shadow woman, taller than me and brooding, asked me one more thing.

“Are you ready?”

“No.”

She paused, then she nudged my shoulder.

“You can still turn around. Go home, never think of this again.” she said.

“And leave him to his own devices for 2 more weeks? So he can contemplate breaking up with me for even longer? Not happening. I don’t want to lose him.”

She sighed, “I don’t know why I’m even here then. You never listen to me anymore.”

“Isn’t that a good thing?”

“Sometimes.” she shrugged as she pressed the doorbell. I didn’t even get a chance to push her hand away, she was too quick, and now panicked, i turned to her. She was already returning to smoke as she spoke again.

“But i think you’re right about this one.”

She was gone. And he opened the door, a look of confused embarrassment on his face.

“What are you-“

“I got you these.” I shoved the flowers forward and he blinked at them behind those old man glasses he loved to wear. “and,” I started, “and I’m sorry, again. Are you, done thinking? I was just getting anxious and i thought like that it wouldn’t be too bad to check up on you you know, unless it is bad and you want me to leave which i can leave.”

We stood in a awkward silence until he gently took the flowers from me and i crossed my arms in nervousness.

“They’re my favorite color.” He said, a smile on his face.

“Thank god too, i was thinking id have to paint some before i found orange fucking flowers.” I took the words back instantly, this was not the time to be sarcastic. “Sorry.”

He watched me, then with a laugh he wrapped his free arm around my neck and pulled me into a hug.

“Fuck i missed you bow.”

For the first time in 2 weeks i actually breathed.

And when he invited me inside after the hug, i was eager to go. I lifted my foot ready to follow him inside as he told me to get comfortable, but then i felt her again. Fear tugging on me. I stopped and let her have my attention as i looked back at my car. She was leaning on it and pointing forward.

“Remember,” She said, “Be scared, and do it anyway.”