She laughed and I wanted to tell another joke for her after that. I thought I could go on for hours. As long as she looked at me like that, as long as I could know her voice unlike anyone else. Closer than a friend, more than a lover. My face was getting hot just thinking about her and I unconsciously held my breath when she snorted. I wanted to take a step back. This level of yearning was embarrassing and though I was relieved that my desperation knew how to hide behind my features, this was still scary. Then she laughed harder and I forgot what scary meant. She was the only subject in my mind. I smiled and my embarrassment from being so hungry for her was drowned out by her joy and my love. All I could think about was hearing her voice again. I wanted to listen to her laugh and her words for the rest of my life no matter how hurtful or scary they became. I thought that even if she were to tell me we were over, I think I would just be happy she spoke to me.

---

He was hilarious and goofy but I think he made me laugh so often on purpose. I had met many people in my life and not one cracked jokes as much as him. I was surprised I didn’t find him annoying. Even when I didn’t feel like laughing, his attempts at making me try were always more endearing than irritating. I can never stay mad at him because I know he just wants to make me smile. He cares so much and it’s so scary.

He is everything I’ve ever wanted in life, but as much as I am a romantic, I am also practical and I constantly find my logic clashing with my feelings when it comes to him. Like for reference I wouldn’t allow myself to say I loved him for half a year because I read a scientific study that said the average time it took to fall in love was 6 months. I was in love at 4, but I wouldn’t admit it. He ended up saying it first because I was so scared of being wrong that my head told me to hold off and I did. Now months later my brain is still dragging me through all the statistics of love and telling me that this won’t last, all the while my soul demands that it has to.

I don’t know how to push the thoughts away but as I held my stomach in euphoric pain, I told myself to try. I let my laugh die down and I smiled at him as I reassured myself.

This, I thought, we, are forever.

The voice that responded shared my name:

Nothing worth having ever is.